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Childish And Responsibilities

Lately, my parent always ask about marriage. Maybe it was because my age is already 27, or actually they felt ashamed of me marrying late, and my sister and my other two younger brothers will marry earlier before me. For me, i already told them i want to marry since i was 22, but they told me that i should marry when i finish my study.

But now, i think, marriage is something big. It's not only about happiness and love, but also about responsibilities. For someone like me who are still not used to something like this, i think i need much more to learn before i can actually declare that i can. And sometimes, i feel that i am too childish, too sensitive and  immature.

For the time being, my needs are many, and maybe one of it is marriage, but the most suitable thing for me to archive now based on my conditions is studying. Maybe god bless me, and keep guiding me to good cause.

Something To Archive

Maybe it's weird for anyone. But for somebody, it means nothing. For example, my first time eating cocktail was at my seventh year at Egypt, my first time driving car also at my seventh. I haven't go to pyramid that usually people rushing themselves to, and i don't feel it's pity or anything else.

Usually, i make my priority to something i want to archive. But sometimes, i neglect it so much too, and then felt guilty or regret. In these last months, actually i have many to archive, but time is also too short, less than what it should be to archive it normally.

But i still hope i will archive it.

After Two Years

Last time i wrote at this blog was 2 years ago. That time, my friend, Fairuz just married and I want to congratulate him. And now, he already have a baby boy, Fawwaz. In 2 years, many things happened. I already move to another place about 3 times. I managed to passed my third year study, but failed to graduated last year. So, I have to retake another year to finish it.

After 2 years neglect my practice in writing anything in English, it somehow make me feel uneasiness to write. Almost, this site is almost unknown, and have no reader at all. No wonder, it is because I have not wrote for long.

This time I want to write something ordinary. Something that any others write everyday. About the examination, which is about less than a month. Practically, everybody feel unsecure, more or less, depends on their preparation. But for me, I feel bad thinking that I study to face this exam. It is just that not me who doing this, after so many years I never care about exam, but feel free to study anything I like or prefer to do. After failed last year, my mother hope more that I would success my study.

It is not i'm hate to be more aggresive in my study. And it is not that I don't like to pass, but I feel it is not right learn anything in this manner. To be free, and learn anything I want, in anyway I want, is how I studied this far.

Still, learning and studying is anybody prority.

Congratulation Bro!

It had been almost a year since the last entry. Surely, writing something in English always ring the bell. About the memory when I move to Madinet Ahlam, secretly resident there, and learn to improve English in many way. But still, with the bell still ring loudly, my English still not improve a lot.

Actually, I want to write about my friend, Fairuz. Recently, he go to UK to earn some money I think, and secretly plan to get married. I somehow knew who his bride-to-be, even before he went to UK, and surprisingly knew about his plan directly from his brother. And, in this, I want to congrats him to full extend of my heart. Well done brother. You made me proud. Give your all to the future. I know you can handle this at ease, and perfect.

Maybe, when this marriage stuff is over, we'll completely be at different kind of level. But as a friend, so don't forget me as your friend.

So in the end of this entry, but not the end to anything else, I wish you two good luck. May Allah bless you two forever.

The Behavior Of Them

There is community where we are gathering together. We called it adabuna, which plotted to be a group of writers from the middle east. We planned to make an anthology that was began from the end of year of 2005, and have hardly way to finished it. To make it simple, it was already ready to publish and getting sold, but what I still don't understand is why the some certain peoples have to delay it as they please and made me mad.

I can't forgive them for their stupid behavior, for not letting me publish it myself but keeping it unpublished for years! Why just don't tell me for their unwillingness and say sorry? I don't remember forcing anybody to something they dislike, so if they don't agree with my offer, why don't just let it go?

I thought maybe there was some circumstances that block their way, or maybe for some other problems, but to tell the truth, I had already offer them my own money so they can make this things settle from the very start. Can you think if someone came giving your his finished work, and it was ready to get printed, and you just delayed it as you please for years, and he asked very politely if he could help to make this thing finish early, and offer his money if that was the problem you had, how could you delay it for nothing? How can't you even think what he would feel toward this simple easy matter?

And how could he describe this other than a word of stupid? That is how I fell. And it made me very mad, and if I let my emotion spread this thing clearly in the public with the common language which is easily to be understand, even me will not willing to stand it if I were they. So I pretend not to be mad in front of them, and be as politeness as nothing happened, and try as hard as I can to forget it, (and to forgive it). But still, I fell uneasy to not tell this to anybody, and at least to myself.

From the bottom of my heart, I think this may comfort me a little after this sort of hell feeling I felt toward this thing. May Allah forgive me.

Sing The Song

Exactly I can't even remember when I start liking this song. Maybe the rythem is special, so I've attracted to it. I don't thing it's about me, because I'm freely choice the things I want. But surely, it's a kind of pity to the one this song was made for. [The lyric and the mp3 itself download it from the website]

Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought I would be
has fallen apart right in front of you

[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
and every second I waste is more than I can take

and I know
i may end up failing too
but I know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you

[And there's still something I don't know, because my English is poor] :D